Slim pickings in the comics these days, but the more I'm learning about this phantom character, the more he is creeping me out like nobody's business.
Looks like he has a weird domestic partnership role playing thing going on with the chubby shirtless guy who wears a skirt and a lampshade. Those kids of theirs are dead ringers for the blue lagoon pair too.
Phantom is an absent father.
I really hope "counsel" isn't a code word for what I think it's for.
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It's been years since I've witnessed FBOW attempt a punchline. Now I see why.
Who reads that ANYTHING is award winning and then says "I wonder why?"
That diet combined with that baby can only be good for future diaper changing hilarity related comics.
I can relate to this figure skater, and not just because of our natural talent and graceful ways, but because I feel the same way she is thinking everytime I start reading another Mary Worth Comic.
"OH!" She's drunk, or high, or she's been talking to Mary Worth. It matters little which, they all lead to early graves and crippling depression. (Usually in the opposite order)
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When a woman starts off a conversation with "I just wanted you to know the truth..." you'd expect something to follow about how she's been cheating on you or something, or how she was once a man, or how we can never be together. If you're Mark Trail however, it's "You've taught me the importance of wetlands."
And ALL of Mark Trails' lady friends end these little talks with the customary "Thanks again for saving me from the Alligator" (unless they are in the mountains, in which case it's "Thanks again for saving me from that mountain-gator")
Ripley's has run out of interesting events and facts, and is now just offering definitions of random words.
Wow! The next thing they'll tell me is that a millionaire has a million dollars!
Come on guys, where's the human interest? NAME and CITY please.
Also, pick a hotter woman and stable next time.
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I drop the ball for not even two months and I come back to find that she's been multiplying like mice in an abandoned barbeque next to a bag of dry dog food. You open it up after a long winter and find a billion of the disgusting vermin teeming within. You then quickly close it again and decide that Fuddrucker's wasn't such a bad deal after all, and maybe you might not want to have a cookout this summer.
On the bright side, the Cathy on the right doesn't seem to say anything but "WHAT?!" Here's hoping we will be following her "adventures" in the weeks to come, so that we can be spared Left-Cathy's ridiculous fingering and declaratory statements about chocolate.
Rex Morgan used to be Rex Morgan M.D. and I think I know why. Everyone he meets seems to get horribly injured. I'm not sure exactly what injuries this unfortunate person sustained, but Rex seems to have taken the "Put gaint bandage on everything" approach to healing.
Woah-HO there old timer! Talk to the hand cause the Rex aint listening! No one, not even Mr. Morgan, wants to hear about your disgusting wrinkly-old-person-sex-party plans.
More mesozoic sparrows preparing to lay their giant eggs on an unsuspecting Mark, who always seems to be drinking coffee when he finds out about this month's conspiracy against nature.
Can I hope against hope that this Rabbit fellow is actually a giant, evil, talking rabbit who pit-fights dogs against chained raccoons? Or maybe he's just imagined, like in that movie Harvey? (That would at least be kind of cool) The lame-ass CSI-style quip by Mark at the end tells me differently though. Too bad, it looks like this story has 2-1 odds of more awful betting metaphors.
Do I still have "it" ? I guess it doesn't matter. Older weeks are here.
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Look who's gone color!
Why didn't they just change the driver instead?
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Before I get started, did anyone else see Andy Samberg's Cathy impersonation on weekend update on SNL last week? I thought he did a fair job. My only problem was that he kept doing the straight out hair thing, which Cathy doesn't do that much anymore, and there was not one single Cathy finger through his whole bit.
Sometimes jokes are too easy to make. I am pretty lazy however, so I'm taking the bait on this one.
That joke had electronic suction proficiency! ..... get it? ..... cause it was online, and therefore electronic ...... and it sucked....
....Moving on, is that supposed to be a woman that Rex is talking to? The little black bow in the first panel and the dialogue would seem to suggest so, but that middle part makes it look like he's talking to yet another aging Robert Vaughn lookalike.
For once I like Rex's attitude through this whole thing, I get the idea that in that first exchange, Rex was going to say "I'm sorry ... I'm too busy getting hammered to care" (he does seem rather absorbed with his drink) In the last frame Rex has this look on his face like: (Oh Jesus) "Let me stop you right there, I see where this is going and the answer is no. .. Bartender! Two more oral delights!!" (Old fools indeed)
(I also like how his shirt perfectly matches the table cloth, do you think he planned that?)
I can't believe that after all my time away from the comics Apt3G is still wasting it's valuable comic page real estate with the bumblings of this pathetic junkie, trying to get his buzz on anyway he can. He's got the mentality of degenerate ninth grader.
I'm betting that the reason the "dope is wearing off" is that he actually smoked some oregano he bought from this kid in the parking lot of the Dairy Queen. Five minutes ago he was probably reasoning that "I'm so high right now, I don't even realize it." Amazingly his line of reasoning then proceeds to probably the smartest most profound thing he's ever said. "Getting Drunk is Better than Nothing." Some far eastern type philosophies might disagree with this statement, but I think he was really on to something there. Of course his eye is immediately caught by the green filing cabinet, and he starts thinking of random places he could have left dope lying around. Yeah the workroom is the place for dope, right by the table saw and nailgun.
When he can't find it he'll probably smoke some banana peels or something, cause he remembered hearing you can get a "killer buzz" off that from the cashier at Blimpie.
Ok so I was gone for a few weeks. I can't turn back the hands of time and make it all go away. BUT YOU CAN. Previous weeks of comics are here. Stay Cool my brothers and sisters.
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Sorry for dropping the ball on the comics lately. Perhaps it's time to hang this feature up, I don't know if my heart's in it anymore....
but I can't stop at a number as awkward as 78 so....
For those of you wondering about last week's poll question, it WAS in fact a lame documentary dvd about Scotland which is apparently a rare collectors item (ok? I bet you can buy said DVD at the gift shop under the loch ness monster roller coaster at Busch Gardens for $25 and they'll throw in a crappy CD of bag pipe music)
This leads to a new disturbing Mary Worth imgae, which is Toby fantasizing about NAKED Ian with his big smiling gnome-like head.
Seriously. We didn't really need to see that did we? And with her harlequin romance magazine featured prominently in the first panel, in that shade of smutty red, right under the computer, we are forced to imagine all the kinds of horrid gnome-fetish scenarios racing through her mind right now. Blech.
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Yeah, nice shirt Toby.
Poll #1235584 What's for Ian?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All What is Toby about to buy second hand as a gift for he long suffering husband Ian? I couldn't be bothered to hide the text from today's Ripley's. I'd just like to point out the weird illustration choices.  Well kudos to Andria Baker for her somewhat remarkable achievement I guess. She seems very pleased with herself in this picture .... either that or she's crying. But apparently all her hard work at attendance has paid off with a ford taurus or chrysler lebaron. Wow. To the victor goes the spoils I guess. Well played Miss Baker. Also, that Spaniard looks more like he is attacking that mattress of babies with a flying dropkick, rather than leaping over them. I think the Ripleys people have mistaken handicapped baby wrestling for a religious festival. How many babies do you think it would take to defeat a grown spaniard? (Don't forget that he's wearing a costume)
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From Minimalism to Realism, all comedy is death....
and Jim Davis has reached yet ANOTHER new low.
Before you get all "Oh, let me explain..." on me, let me just state flat out that I have nothing against minimalist comedy in principle. Sure, I enjoy, "Man Getting Hit by Football" and any number of various other "Americas Funniest Home Video" style japes and mishaps, but there is a line that seperates humor from uncreative sadism and yet another line that seperates that from lazy comicking. JIm Davis is about four more lines over in the "retarded bug torture" area where he and Andy Dick herald ripping off cricket legs as the apex of comedic achievement. AND WHY IS A CAT DRINKING A CUP OF COFFEE WITH A BOWLING BALL?! It just doesn't make sense.
If only we could console ourselves with the knowledge that things couldn't get worse and must get better. Unfortunately a glance down the page shows us that in both the realm of aptly named comic strips, and our own sad miserable lives, we'll all have to deal with the ghastly reality of Canadian nursing homes.
Dude, when I get that age, just leave me a pathetic sliver of peace and quiet will you? Why can't they give this old fart his dignity? I bet he's soiling himself right now. Not because he can't control himself, but just out of spite at the condescending orderlies.
I wish I had joy to bring to your computer screens tonight, instead of just death. Other shadows of the christmas futures can be read here. Eat drink and mock comics for tomorrow, Mary Worth and her boyfriend are totally going to do the nasty in a golfcart. (I'm serious) How sad is that?
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Rex Morgan will simply not let go of his bizarre wrestling mat theories. Apparently Rex's retelling of his own creepy and disturbing fantasies made some unfortunate old codger throw up. So now he's stalking the poor sucker.
The artist for Rex Morgan is always trying to get all artsy with his camera, but in the end he just ends up making his characters look really goofy, like in the last panel here, where Rex is trying to be all cloak and dagger, you can almost anticipate some normal person walking right by on the public sidewalk behind him. Panel two, meanwhile, gives us a crucial bird's eye perspective of the eight tiny hairs left on the crown of Andy's head. Andy is also being stalked by one of those blackface Taco backup singers from Puttin of the Ritz.
And speaking of looking really goofy. Those Mark Trail characters have gone and done it again! After trying to milk a baby moose (or something),THEY ARE ON A ONE WAY COLLISION COURSE WITH WACKINESS!!
Check the strip tomorrow for the hilarious conclusion where the moose has his guts blown out all over the hapless Roger. THAT'S OUR ROGER!
I don't get this;
Ok, so dogs like to pee on trees, but there's a sign that says "No Tree" but actually, there is a tree, but it's sort of painted black, and some people don't like dogs? Is this a joke or some kind of existential statement? I had to watch Bergman's movie Persona last night, so it might just be me, can anyone shed any light on this one. (I'm hoping it doesn't have to do with some alt-country singer songwriter)
Hopefully this makes up for last week's five minutes before midnight, comic debacle. Did you see that those jerks over at the washington post actually started an official comics blog?!! And they didn't even contact me for an interview or anything?!! Be sure to cancel your subscriptions, and continue reading only superior comics blogs such as this one. Stay cool.
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Poll #1220177 Aunt Trixie's shirt
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
What does it say on Aunt Trixie's Boobs ? *Or some stupid song I never heard of.  Poll #1220298 Dave's bag?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: AllWhat's actually in the bag?  Poll #1220299 Cathy Again
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: AllThey were serious about this "staycation" shit?!
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Holy crap. Cathy is using the word "Staycation" I don't think it's possible to surpass this level of annoyance. It's like the speed of light of annoying.
D = UC2
Where U equals the level of unfuniness, and C represents the constant of Staycation/Cathy annoyance, D gives us the overall decline in Western Civilization.
Can you spot the four ugly bitches in the last panel?
Curtis continues its long tradition of breaking stereotypes with this week's comic and its introduction of a new Asian character.
Oh look, he enjoys math! Just like ALL asians do of course. I bet he knows karate, drives really slow and has an extremely small penis as well.
And speaking of small things I don't ever want to look at...
"Voted off the island"? Oh wait... I think I get it! You guys, it's a joke about Survivor! See there's this show BRAND NEW show called Survivor, where every week a contestant gets voted off the island by their fellow contestants. What the author has done here, is taken that topical reference, and HILARIOUSLY applied it to the context of a library children's story hour, which is just LAUGHABLY absurd because it's really not survivor at all, and you wouldn't expect children to act like contestants on a reality show! Wow, that REALLY IS clever! My stars!
Lastly, this dude apparently invented a Dalek.
That's actually pretty cool. I want one that runs around my computer screen and gets rid of unfunny comics though.
I just want to say, that I'm so sorry about last week. You deserve better. I can only ask you to bear in mind, my long record of faithful service, which you can relive here, if you are so inclined.
Happy CANADA DAY EVERYONE!
Here is the CBC's giant documentary on comics in Canada. (Check out number 28, for a shirtless canadian comic collector explaining market dynamics to you) Did you know that in Canada, they read the comics right to left and that their version of "Dennis the Menace" is "Wallace the unfunny Moose in Red Overalls"? Well it's not true, but there is a three-foot-tall aardvark named Cerebus.
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